


LYRIC PROMPT: My ghost, where did you go?

by LiterallyAmazingPhan



Series: A collection of word/lyric phan prompts [11]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Drabble, FWB, Lyric Prompt, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phan Angst, Phanfiction, Songfic, phanfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-08
Updated: 2016-02-08
Packaged: 2018-05-19 00:10:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5948452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiterallyAmazingPhan/pseuds/LiterallyAmazingPhan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Part of my series of drabbles based on word/lyric prompts:<br/>“He never realized that one day he’d be crying on Dan’s bed after he left to have a date with someone else, a big smile on his face as he told his best friend all about this amazing girl he met the other day and how excited he was to have some romance back in his life. He didn’t anticipate the heartbreak of seeing him walk away into someone else’s arms, someone who would love him whole in a way that their little arrangement wouldn’t allow, not really.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	LYRIC PROMPT: My ghost, where did you go?

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on my tumblr blog as a part of the lyric/word prompt challenge. Hope you like it!
> 
> A/N: I LOVE HALSEY SO MUCH FUCK YEAH! <3 That wouldn’t be my personal song choice because this song is not very happy, so this fic is not v fluffy I’m afraid. It’s kinda dark and twisted, so if you don’t like angst, maybe you should skip this one, ok? Anyway, hope you like it :D

He screwed it up. Laying on his back on Dan’s bed, inhaling sharply his smell all around him, Phil knew _exactly_ where he went wrong. Eyes filled to the brim with tears, heart hammering in his chest, he realized: he fell in love when he was never supposed to. Tears spilled down as he wailed in pain at his own stupidity.

He told himself he would _never_ fall for the boy he shared the bed with all these nights. The unspoken promise: just sex nothing else. He fell in love again with the adoring brown eyes of the one who looked up at him through the haze of sweat and sex, shining with mischief and nothing more. Dan was his best friend and he had no feelings for Phil whatsoever anymore and that was supposed to be fine, because when they started “blowing off some steam as they say” it was never supposed to be anything else but that.

And he liked it this way. Phil was the type of guy who liked a quick fuck, no emotions attached, so he genuinely thought he could do this. It had never occurred to him before that he could end up falling in love again and, suddenly, Dan’s friendship wouldn’t be enough anymore, after he spent so long getting over him in the first place.

He never realized that one day he’d be crying on Dan’s bed after he left to have a date with someone else, a big smile on his face as he told his best friend all about this amazing girl he met the other day and how excited he was to have some romance back in his life. He didn’t anticipate the heartbreak of seeing him walk away into someone else’s arms, someone who would love him whole in a way that their little arrangement wouldn’t allow, not really.

 _“I like the sad eyes, bad guys._  
Mouth full of white lies   
Kiss me in the corridor  
But quick to tell me goodbye”

“How do I look?” Dan asked, all smiles and nerves.

“You look… Great,” Phil replied in a flirting tone, walking over to him and pressing him up against the wall, roughly kissing him. At Dan’s surprised sounds and attempts to pull him away, Phil took a step back, confused, “W-what..?”

“Phil, stop being horny, this is not the time!” Dan complained, laughing, “you can’t have all this booty today,” he joked, punching him on the arm, “there’s no time! I’m going to my date with Alyssa, remember? The girl I told you about?”

“Oh?” the only sound Phil could produce. It never went through his mind that Dan was leaving for a date with someone else until he actually said it. He didn’t know what he was thinking, really, but a deep sadness went through him, “ok… have fun,” his fake enthusiasm was painful, but he wasn’t sure if Dan would notice it amidst his own joy.

“Jesus, try to sound a little more happy about it, would you?” he laughed, pouting a bit at Phil, “come on, man! We can do whatever you have in mind later, if you’re patient” he wiggled his eyebrows, kissing him by surprise and biting his lower lip, a devilish smirk taking over his face, “now I have to go,” he interjected, leaving a stunned Phil behind and walking out of the door.

_“My ghost where did you go?  
What happened to the soul that you used to be”_

Dan wasn’t completely oblivious, Phil gathered. When he came back from one of his many dates to find Phil slumped on the sofa, fast asleep with tear tracks going down his face, he realized something was up. However, Dan didn’t seem to suspect Phil’s actual feelings, for which he was grateful. It was never part of the deal and he couldn’t handle the pity on his friend’s eyes when he had to reject him. It was just too much to bear.

He couldn’t avoid seeing the marks in Dan’s body. The marks someone else left on his skin, claiming him as theirs and only theirs. And when he tried to leave his own he was met with Dan’s anger as he said that “James is gonna see that, Phil!” and he had to pretend he got carried away and apologize, although deep inside the rejection hurt more than anything. Dan went to others for love and all he wanted from him was sex. He knew why: he would never be enough for Dan.

He remembered the time they tried it, years ago. When they finally met and Phil was so sure Dan was just as in love with him as he was with the other boy. Their relationship was filled with nothing but happiness on his end. That is, until Dan decided it wasn’t what he wanted: too much pressure, too much publicity around their brand. Being dumped by Dan was the clearest memory of all, the moment when he promised himself he would fall out of love and the name Dan Howell would stop making his heart race. He remembered being mostly over him, being fine. Before they started having sex again as friends and, quite literally, Dan fucked him up another time.

He still saw the Dan he fell in love with in this grown up version. He saw the shy boy from 2009 who looked up to him so much, admiration burning in his eyes. He could still see that on the way he laughed and the way their bodies moved in bed, falling back together seamlessly. The ghost of who Dan used to be, erased by growing up and growing apart. Their romance was destroyed by Dan’s choice, his decision to let them go. It was still as hard to think about them like they were all these years ago: it hurt like an open wound, mended temporarily whenever they went to bed together, a little voice on Phil’s head telling him that it just wasn’t the same, it wasn’t what he really craved. If that was the only version of Dan he would get, he couldn’t turn it down, could he? He couldn’t just cling to the ghost of their relationship, dead and buried years ago. Things changed and he needed to accept that Dan didn’t love him now, maybe he never actually did.

_Right?_

_“You say that you’re no good for me,  
Cause I’m always tugging at your sleeve”_

“Phil, this needs to stop right now!”

“W-what?” Phil asked, eyes bloodshot, hugging a cushion to himself.

“YOU! There’s something wrong with you, you’ve been crying and avoiding me all the time and… You just.. You haven’t been yourself lately! Spill: what’s going on?” Dan confronted him, anger shimmering in his voice, but Phil could still see the softness behind his eyes.

“There’s nothing to tell, Dan,” he mumbled, lowering his eyes, “Leave me alone.”

“NO, DAMMIT! Stop running away from your problems, Phil,” he sounded angry, but Phil wasn’t strong enough to look up now, “just tell me what’s wrong so we can fix it and move with our lives, yeah?”

“Maybe I don’t want to move on with my life, have you ever thought of that?” Phil snapped, meeting Dan’s eyes. At the shell-shocked look on his face, he realized how Dan must have understood that sentence and backtracked, frustrated, “no, not like that,” he sighed as Dan relaxed a little bit at his words, but he could see his eyes were shining with tears, “you know what, you’d never understand it, Dan. Forget it!”

“How could I?” his eyes were suspiciously shiny and his voice shook, which made Phil look at him worriedly, “I’m just a stranger to you now, aren’t I? Are you sick of me, Phil? Is that it?”

“No! It’s quite the opposite, actually,” Phil said, sadly, and that seemed to take Dan aback eyes widening, “I… It’s hard for me to see you with other people because… Well, you know,” he trailed off, shy. He knew the rejection and the pity were coming.

“I don't… Is this because you don’t have anyone? You’ll find someone, Phil, there’s no need to be jealous,” he stuttered a lot, definitely confused. So _he didn’t know_ , Phil thought, sighing to himself.

“Oh, I’ve found my someone,” Phil replied, sadly, “but I’m not good enough for him. I never was,” he said, holding back the tears. Something seemed to click in Dan’s mind at that.

“Who…?” he seemed to already know and Phil had nothing to lose anymore.

“It’s YOU, Dan! Who else would it be?” he gets up, trying to run away in shame, “okay, I’m gonna move out soon, I just need a place to stay for a few days and then you won’t have to see me ever again if you don’t want to and I…”

Dan was frozen into place at Phil’s tirade and he seemed to realize what was happening as Phil tried to leave. He got up and reached out to Phil, who stepped back, tears finally falling down his face.

“Phil…”

“No, I don’t need your pity, Daniel! Let me go,” he said, weakly, trying to flee. Dan grabbed his arm, lightly, finally meeting his eyes.

“You got it all wrong, you idiot,” Dan said, sweetly, stroking Phil’s arm gently, eyes filled with compassion, “You’re the best person I’ve ever met and I love you with all my heart, I truly do,” his eyes got really sad then, “The thing is, I’m no good for you, Phil. I’d never be. You deserve so much better,” he let out a little sob at that, holding on tightly to Phil’s arm, who looked at him thoroughly confused, “You’re so much better! It’s over, okay. And if you won’t let it go, then I’m the one who’s leaving.”

The words cut through him like knives. He shook his head at Dan, suddenly deadly afraid. He couldn’t pretend the whole thing wasn’t hurting him, there was no way he could pull it off. He wanted to walk away on his own terms, but that apparently wasn’t happening.

“Dan, listen to me,” his voice was shaking with the tears, “please, listen! I love you and you’re more than enough for me. Don’t leave me, please, _please_ don’t leave if there’s still a chance, _please_!”

The boy just stared at him and the tears completely stopped. He seemed weary now, deeply exhausted. He just observed Phil, crying because of him, because he hurt him yet again. He did this, singlehandedly. His presence was ruining Phil’s life and he wouldn’t allow that no more.

Dan turned away, grabbing essential things on his way out. Phil’s crying reached his ears, but he knew it was for the best. He knew it would heal now that he wasn’t there to pry open the wounds. Opening the door, he took his first step away from the boy he once thought was the one.

The door slammed shut behind him as Phil fell to his knees, choking on his own tears.

_Silence._

**Author's Note:**

> Sad times and an evil ending wow. Let me know how much I hurt you lmao


End file.
